Testimony

Submitted by REX LEONOWICZ, North Carolina

for naté

i spent all of last october twenty ten

thinking of you

when all those gay kids

were on the news,

those of whom

chose the noose like you

or the gun

or the one hundred aspirin.

those months when

our deaths were a sensation,

almost entertainment

on cnn and nbc

in the times and in newsweek,

freak accidents

like it hadn’t been happening

for decades, for centuries

like this problem was a

contemporary anomaly,

a phenomenon

not built upon whole lifetimes of

insult and injury,

like tv

had no responsibility;

as if we hadn’t seen our lives

in primetime as depraved and deprived

like we only behaved as rapists and pedophiles,

as if in almost every film we didn’t die,

get killed, or commit suicide;

like there was no context

to our deaths

and no basis to be depressed—

as if happy lesbians are something we can see daily

on abc or fox,

on mtv or at the movies.

like bullies only exist

at high schools and on playgrounds

and aren’t found in washington,

at city hall

in bars or behind bathroom stalls,

like it was just our fault

for feeling small.

like there were only

one or two

mean kids in the hall—

just a few bad apples

who attacked us, called us faggots,

and not a whole global network rallying

against us.

and they told us it could get better

like no one had ever

said that before.

like we didn’t know

there were gay men

with winter homes

in aspen

with their wedding bands

on their hands entwined

guzzling wine

on cruise ships in the atlantic

golden tans

like grecian gods,

trotting with their toddlers

in paris…

like we could have that, too

if we just wanted it enough,

like some of us wouldn’t

be living on stoops and churchsteps,

like our parents would accept

and protect us

and not further infect us

with their rejection and derision

as if it were just our vision

that was messed up

it was just us…

like our suffering

isn’t structural

isn’t perfunctory,

meaning done routinely.

like bootstraps

aren’t just a myth,

like we’re silly kids

who just need to get with it.

and through all this

i thought of you,

you who weren’t on the news,

you who knew about the suicide rates

for trans and gay kids

and facilitated

workshops to create safe spaces.

and i wish

i would’ve called you

at home

two years ago on the phone,

or texted you

to interrupt your episode

of xena or dexter,

not to tell you that it gets better

but to let you know i get it

and that we could be in it together.

Artist Information:

Rex Leonowicz is a trans-identified native of Jackson Heights, NY who believes in expression as a means of resistance. He’s a soon-to-be graduate of Warren Wilson College in North Carolina, where he studies Gender & Women’s Studies and Creative Writing.